I yelled at him for the garbage...

Literally; the garbage.

Peoples' general reaction when I tell them I'm going through infertility treatments is "oh I'm so sorry, that must be hard", and/or "what's wrong, you or him?"

Well first off, it's both of us, and infertility is typically "50/50".

Their first comments are usually followed by the dreaded opinion/questions after: "are you going to do IVF?" "Have you considered adoption?" "Have you tried vitamins" and the WORST comment of all time "just stop trying, it'll happen when you stop trying so hard".

Okay, let me address all of these head on. 

1.No, I'm not going to do IVF. It's expensive and costly, and doesn't have a very high live birth rate (not to mention the hormones, daily shots, blood work, and Dr appointments).

2. Yes, I've considered adoption. In fact, I'm active with DHS. However, I don't want adoption to be the half-hearted "last ditch effort".

3. Yes, I took vitamins. I'm also on expensive fertility specific medication.

4. I didn't "try hard" for about a solid year. I promise, if it were that simple I wouldn't have had a surgery, I wouldn't be taking artifical hormones like they're candy, and I wouldnt be paying the fertility doctor what I do.

What it feels like...

Infertility is the hardest thing I've ever been through. Im emotionally, spiritually, physically, and mentally drained. Some days I feel like I have nothing left in me. Some days I cry for no reason, I've cried uncontrollably for good reason, I've laughed at stupid stuff like getting a period.

Its ups and downs to the point of where I'm physically hurting from being so tense. I've missed a day of work because I couldn't stop crying.

The only thing I can compare the feeling to is driving behind a Loomis (cash) truck, with $100 flying out, and not being able to roll down your window to catch them.

A few things people don't understand:

1. I feel violated/vulnerable all. the. time. I'm in the doctor's office 3-4 times a month. I'm getting poked, prodded, and most of the time having uncomfortable ultrasounds. It's not fun trying to explain to my (male) bosses why I have to go in to the doctor. I don't even like the fact that they know...you know...what's going on. I have to find the "perfect" exact time for intimacy.My modesty went out the window 2 years ago.

2. I feel lonely...  I love talking to my friends. I love hanging out with them. I love that they have kids, and I love their kids. But I'm stuck somewhere in between being the young, free married couple, and being the young mom. There are not a ton of occupants where I live. There aren't a lot of women who truly empathize with me, or want to.

4. I feel sad. A lot...
Most of my friends are new moms. Most of my friends didn't plan their babies. If they did, they started planning long after I started trying, and of course they got pregnant instantly. I don't like going to baby showers. It's not personal-I just don't want to be the hovering black cloud. I can have a happy day, until I see a baby bump. (I covet the day I can't see my toes) It makes me really sad knowing I can't do the most natural thing God intended for women.

5. I'm frustrated...
Its, again, frustrating seeing my friends start on baby #2. It's frustrating seeing them complain about pregnancies or the struggles of being a mom. It's frustrating spending time and money, and then my body doesn't cooperate. I have no control over that. It's frustrating seeing mom's who don't want to be mom's or kids who receive less than stellar care. It's frustrating hearing in-laws talk about the future without including my child in it. It kills me every Halloween not having a cute little baby to dress up, or having Christmas family photos.

6. I did not leave this decision to my stepchild... That may seem harsh, but hear me out. When me having a child is brought up, often times he's brought up, and how he feels about it. The harsh truth of it, was he was not included in this decision. That's not to say he wasnt considered. But my having a child isn't relevant to my husband's custody, or my step sons well being. In fact, I consider him lucky that he has a HUGE heads up as to what's in store for him. Most kids don't get that privilege. He'll always be well provided for. He'll always have the attention he needs. He'll always be loved the same.



This all being said, I do find positives in working with fertility. I do enjoy time with my husband alone. I know that's going to be rare when a baby comes. I do LOVE a clean house, and fully appreciate it right now. I've started preparing myself now for the mess that comes with a baby later. Sleeping in an not.doing.anything.all.day on Saturday. Love it. Take full advantage of it. This may be strange for some of you to hear, but (I take after my dad), I love working. I love not having to take off because of a sick kid, and I love my (few) moments of sanity.

Anyway....I think that's all for now, folks!