Dear Future Baby A.,

Dear Baby,

I think the first thing I want to say, that I always think about, it how wanted you are. Most people start dreaming of a baby, and have one within a year. I’ve always wanted you, for as long as I could remember. It’s the longest wait I’ve had to endure. I’ve cried over you, prayed over you, dreamed about you, sometimes I swear I can almost “want” you into existence and feel your warmth on my chest.

You are so loved, by everyone in the family. It’ll be my “story”, how you can love someone this much for years before they were even a thought. People always tell me that “you’ll never know love until you have a child”, well, I honestly don’t see how that’s true.  How you can pour everything I have into someone that doesn’t exist yet. I mean, I love you. I already want nothing but the best for you. I’d live in a cardboard box if that meant I could love you. It hurts, sometimes, how much love I have for someone that doesn’t exist.

I want nothing but the best for you.  

I’m so scared of losing my baby. I have been trying so hard for so long for you, that I’m scared that once you’re finally here, I’m going to blink and you’ll be walking and talking. I want to cherish and savor every little moment of pregnancy and infancy. Even when you’re crying your little eyes out, and heaven forbid nothing makes you happy and you cry your eyes out for month, I will be crying tears of joy just to have you here, crying.  Stay little.

You break my heart. Seriously. If you weren’t worth it, I wouldn’t do it. But I’d do this 10 times over just to have you.

I hope you get a little bit of everyone’s genetics. I hope you get your dad’s laid back personality. I hope you get my brother’s sheer genius. I hope you get my mom’s compassion and my dad’s level head. I hope you get your other grandpa’s sense of humor, and your other grandma’s spunk. I hope you get your aunt’s artistic hand. I hope you get the brightest of blue eyes, and a full head of dark hair, and my nose. Not to be picky. I just want you healthy.

I dream of your smell. There is no other scent in the world better than a new baby. It should be bottled and sold as gold. I can’t wait to put my nose to your little baby head and just inhale.

I’m not going to be the best mom ever. I’ve already come to terms with that. But I will never take you for granted. You are the apple to me and dad’s eyes.  I feel like most people have kids today just because it’s the right thing to do in the timeline of life, or even because they’re “accidents”. But we have a plan for you. We are already making “space” for you in our lives. You will never feel like you were anything than deliberately and lovingly planned. You are the best thing to happen to our marriage and to our household.

I want so many things for you. But mostly, I just want you to do what makes you happy, and be the best you can at it. I cannot wait to experience life with you. I feel like a bad person for saying this, but you’ve missed out on so much! Hurry up and get here so you don’t miss out on anything else.

Lastly, I do want you to know that I want siblings for you. I want to have siblings your age to experience things with. It was fun growing up with your uncle so close to my age. We want our lives and hearts as full as we can get them.  Just know that we will try, God willing, and we planned. But don’t be sad if we don’t have a sibling-they bite and blame things on you.

I love you, Baby A.